Consideration and reconsideration

Last week I told Wes I wanted to cancel all our appointments with the RE. I had this overwhelming feeling of suffocation - I was stressed about having to take off work two times between days 5 and 10 of my cycle (with little, if any, ability to preplan) and overwhelmed by the amount of lab and office visits I need to coordinate. Not to mention more than a little put off by the actual procedures themselves.... It just seems like so much work to do when we are able to get pregnant so easily. I know- I know the reasoning behind all this testing. It's not getting pregnant that's the problem - it's staying pregnant. And if we get pregnant again without doing this work up, I'll be petrified the whole time and absolutely guilt laden if something goes wrong. Which is likely to happen, according to the RE. It all just seems so.... invasive. I know it's my mind set. All the appointments, testings, and procedures with egg donation weren't nearly this intimidating. But I wanted to donate, I choose to donate, and I knew about the medical aspect ahead of time. I didn't choose this. I feel like I'm being forced into this testing, whereas the egg donations were not coerced in anyway. Even worse, I feel like it is my body that is doing the forcing. I know that the loses could be a fluke, or that it could be something wrong with Wes. But I can't shake the feeling that this is my fault.

Anyway, after a heart to heart with Wes, I agreed that this is something I do need to do. Not only for our chances ttc, but for my peace of mind while pregnant. So my first ultrasound appointment is scheduled for 6/18. As soon as I can get my insurance issues worked out (a whole other post there - let me tell you) I'll go in for the blood work. And I will most likely have the hystero and hsg done the last week in June. At least I'll be getting most of it over all in one month.

So - the Diet. It's officially become the Diet. As in "that's not on the Diet" or "What should we do tonight on the Diet." I can't say that we've been keeping to the Diet as well as we should have (read - horrible, horrible cheating weekend) but we have made some positive changes. We've been paying attention to what we eat. Even if that means paying attention as we eat all the wrong things. We've also changed out shopping habits and, during the week, we've been sticking more or less to the South Beach meal plan. I think it will be easier to keep to the Diet when Dylan comes home this weekend. We've been having a bit of a second honeymoon while he's up in Maine and going out to eat ALOT. And of course, 99.9999% of restaurant food is not on the Diet.

So next week will be a big week. Not only will we be getting my little pumpkin back again, but we'll be starting the first of a loooooong series of testing to find out what the heck is up with my reproductive system. Here goes nothing.

Lab Rat

Wes and I went for our consult with the RE last Friday and all I can say is - wow. First off, I really did like this doctor and the office. The office staff was kind and considerate. The doctor was professional and no-nonsense. However, I thought we were going to show up and be told that we were just unlucky, to give it a few months and try again. Boy was I wrong. Not only did the RE insinuate that I may have either depleted my egg reserve or caused adhesions with my various egg donations (guilt trip!!) but she also wanted me to get a full work up including a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and a hysteroscopy. She ordered a check of hormone levels on day 3 to be sure they are normal (which hopefully will indicate that I have NOT depleted my ovarian reserve) and then I have to schedule the HSG and hysteroscopy. She also stated that some of my symptoms are representative of endometriosis and that, most likely, I am eventually headed for surgery.

Wow.

On one hand, this appointment made me feel incredibly guilty. It was really hard hearing that I may have compromised my own fertility with my egg donations. Despite what she said, I really, really don't believe the donations depleted or adversely affected my ovarian reserve. The results from my last two egg donations were actually better than the results from my first two egg donations as far as fertilization rate and successful pregnancies. However, I do understand that doing the donations may have caused my "tubes to be kinked" as she put it. However, that could have happened even without the egg donations. If it does turn out to be endometriosis, I'll feel much better (ironically.) Endometriosis would have nothing to do with my egg donations at all, so I would have no responsibility for choosing to compromise my fertility. Which is where the guilt is coming from.

On the other hand, some symptoms I've been experiencing for years and years - pain, gastrointestinal problems - could be eradicated with one surgery. I thought I would have to deal with these things the rest of my life. I never thought I could fix them! That alone would make this whole slew of appointments and testing worth it! And, of course, I will feel much better ttc knowing that my tubes are unkinked and open. Or whatever.

Wes and I were also ordered to change our eating habits. I know we could be healthier. We are soda fanatics and (Wes especially) consume copious amounts of Mountain Dew. So, together, we will embark on the South Beach diet. But first we are busy consuming all the high cal, high fat, high sugar products in our house so we won't be tempted later on.

The Hardest Holiday of the Year

For dozens of women I know "virtually," the hardest holiday of the year is only two days away. This mother's day will be very bittersweet for me, as well. On one hand, I have Dylan to be thankful for. On the other, I would be about 6 months pregnant right now had I not miscarried in February. I would be 9 weeks pregnant had the ectopic been viable. I know those two due dates, September 4th and December 15th, will haunt me until I become (and remain) pregnant again. It's hard to not feel disappointed and saddened as Sunday rolls around. There is a definite part of me that feels cheated when I think back to my pregnancy with Dylan. I was in complete denial during that pregnancy. I was barely 22, working two jobs, and so unprepared for motherhood. I should have made more of a point to revel in that pregnancy - to enjoy it rather than constantly looking forward to my due date. I should have appreciated it. I was so excited this time around because I really wanted to be pregnant - I wanted the experience and enjoyment that I took for granted last time. Now the idea of enjoying pregnancy seems incredibly foreign. Oh, I'm sure that if Wes and I become pregnant again I will come to a point, probably in the second trimester, where I can feel enjoyment and excitement rather than fear. That just seems ages and ages away right now.

Thoughts of my egg donations have given me so much strength and comfort over the past week. I just sent out mother's day cards to the recipients with whom I have regular contact. For one of them, this will be her first mother's day. That idea brings a smile and a feeling of warm inside. It's amazing to me that their successes make me feel so good, so positive in light of my recent experiences. I wouldn't have expected that. I would have thought that I might feel sadness or pain - like I still do when I run into a pregnant woman at work or in the store. But there is not an ounce of pain or longing when I think about my recipients. Just comfort and satisfaction. Maybe it's because they worked so hard to have their children. Maybe it's because I look back on those cycles as successes, whereas my own losses feel like failures. Maybe it's because I have a better idea now of how they must have felt, and it gives me peace to know I was able to help alleviate those feelings for another woman. It's strange, because when I see baby photos belonging to friends or co-workers, I still feel sadness, especially if the baby is very young. However, looking at pictures of my recipients' children or hearing progress updates strengthens me. It makes me feel like I did something worthwhile - like I made the right choice 2 years ago.

I do believe I was lead to donate my eggs so that I could have some peace right now with my struggles. Because of my involvement with third party reproduction, it has never crossed my mind for one second that Wes and I won't have a child eventually. I haven't lost hope or despaired for even a moment. I have seen others face far greater obstacles than I and still succeed. So on Sunday I'll be thinking of my egg recipients. I'll be thanking them from the bottom of my heart for choosing me to participate in something indescribably special. And for giving me the strength and hope I so needed over the past few months.

Back to the Drawing Board

Ok, so I'm finally feeling up to writing again- I needed some time to process everything.

The ultrasound I had on Monday, April 14th showed nothing in my uterus. However, my betas continued to double, so we continued to hope. We scheduled another ultrasound for Monday, the 21st. However, that Saturday I woke up bleeding bright red blood. I went to the ER for a second ultrasound and, sure enough, the embryo was in my tube. I was given a shot of methotrexate and sent home. Fortunately, the methotrexate worked and no further treatment was needed. However, now we are back to square one again.

It's strange - this loss doesn't hurt nearly as much as the first one. Either I'm a bit numb, or I just didn't get too attached to this pregnancy. I certainly don't look at getting pregnant like I once did now. It doesn't seem fun to me anymore. And honestly, I'm too exhausted physically and emotionally to think about trying again right away. I know that there is no relation between the m/c and the ectopic - that it was just a fluke. However, my body is still reeling from the hormones and other changes. My emotions are raw from this roller coaster. We need to wait at least three months after taking the methotrexate to try again, and I'm definitely ok with that. We also have an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist the end of this month. Most likely, the doctor will tell us that we were just unlucky and we should just try again naturally, after we heal. That's what I'm hoping to hear, anyway. However, I'm also prepared for the idea that the ectopic might warrant some further testing to be sure that tube is ok. That would be ok, too - I'm petrified of another ectopic now. I probably won't post too much more between now and the doctor's appointment. Like I said, I need some time to get myself together. But I'll definitely keep this blog updated, especially once we start trying again. For myself, more than any other reason. Putting everything into words somehow makes it easier to deal with.

Countdown to Ultrasound

My beta came back on Thursday at 829 - right where it should be. My bleeding has stopped, and the only thing still bothering me is the persistent pain on my lower left side. It's uncomfortable, exhausting, and scary. I'm praying it's a cyst and not something else more ominous. Tomorrow at 11:30 I have an ultrasound and will get the result of my beta from Saturday. I should have some more answers then. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm apprehensive. Mostly, I'm ready to have some of my questions answered.

February 9, 2008

I woke up that morning feeling that something was wrong. The day before, I had started spotting a bit. Nothing I was really worried about - I knew that it was not unusual to spot a bit during pregnancy. Even so, I called my doctor and was told not to worry. However, the next day, Saturday, the spotting was still there. And it was not getting any better. Today I was 11 weeks pregnant, but I didn't feel pregnant. I didn't feel much of anything. And I couldn't ignore the unease I had about the spotting. Finally, I called the doctor on call and he told me to come into the ER for a quick ultrasound. As uneasy as I was, I still expected to see the baby's heart beat. I thought that maybe there was a slight complication, but certainly it would be something that could be fixed. I never imagined that the pregnancy would be over. I could see the fetus clearly on the ultrasound. It was very small and very still. The doctor told me to check in downstairs, that he wanted the tech to do another ultrasound. He also told me not to be hopeful - things didn't look good. It still didn't hit me. I still hoped. At the second ultrasound, the tech showed me how the baby measured 8 weeks - not 11. There was no heartbeat, no movement. My baby had died three weeks ago and I never realized. THEN it hit me. The doctor talked to me about my options - letting the pregnancy pass naturally, D&C, taking a medication that would cause the loss to begin. My husband and I decided on the D&C. I didn't want to go through the physical loss, especially considering a D&C is usually needed anyway to clear out remaining tissue.

The doctor spoke about scheduling it in the next few days, but I begged him to do it immediately. I couldn't stand one more moment being "pregnant" and not pregnant. I knew I wouldn't sleep until I had the D&C, especially after seeing that small, still shape on monitor. Fortunately, they were able to do the procedure that night. I was lucky in that there was little pain and little bleeding after the procedure. Really, it was mostly my heart that bled. I spent the next few weeks, months asking why this happened, what I did to cause it. Of course, I know that there was probably nothing that I did to cause it. But still, it's hard not to feel responsible. I felt so betrayed by my body - how could I have lost this pregnancy and not known anything was wrong for three weeks?!? Was my body really that disconnected to the little life that was growing inside? I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust my body again. Even now, months later, I still have fear and trepidation. I refuse to really consider myself pregnant yet, and every little twitch or pain scares me.

My innocence is gone.

A Better Day

I'm feeling hopeful tonight for the first time in days. I've started taking my progesterone supplements twice a day now and I'm resting every second I'm not at work or in class. So I feel like I'm being proactive. I've also appeased my fears about pregnancy bleeding a bit by visiting donor egg boards and getting support from the wonderful ladies on those boards (even though I'm not a donor egg recipient.) I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, this will turn out ok. Maybe. I don't want to hope too much yet. The bleeding has tapered off a little bit and *yay* I actually felt sick to my stomach tonight! Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be excited by morning sickness. However, the curious lack of symptoms two months ago and this most recent adventure have left me feeling decidedly unpregnant. Especially considering I was sick as a dog with Dylan. Now, if the darn pressure and dull ache in my abdomen would subside....

I'm having my hcg tested again tomorrow. As soon as my levels are above 1500, I'll have an ultrasound. Till then, all my fingers are crossed. Please little embryo, hang in there.