Wes and I went for our consult with the RE last Friday and all I can say is - wow. First off, I really did like this doctor and the office. The office staff was kind and considerate. The doctor was professional and no-nonsense. However, I thought we were going to show up and be told that we were just unlucky, to give it a few months and try again. Boy was I wrong. Not only did the RE insinuate that I may have either depleted my egg reserve or caused adhesions with my various egg donations (guilt trip!!) but she also wanted me to get a full work up including a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and a hysteroscopy. She ordered a check of hormone levels on day 3 to be sure they are normal (which hopefully will indicate that I have NOT depleted my ovarian reserve) and then I have to schedule the HSG and hysteroscopy. She also stated that some of my symptoms are representative of endometriosis and that, most likely, I am eventually headed for surgery.
Wow.
On one hand, this appointment made me feel incredibly guilty. It was really hard hearing that I may have compromised my own fertility with my egg donations. Despite what she said, I really, really don't believe the donations depleted or adversely affected my ovarian reserve. The results from my last two egg donations were actually better than the results from my first two egg donations as far as fertilization rate and successful pregnancies. However, I do understand that doing the donations may have caused my "tubes to be kinked" as she put it. However, that could have happened even without the egg donations. If it does turn out to be endometriosis, I'll feel much better (ironically.) Endometriosis would have nothing to do with my egg donations at all, so I would have no responsibility for choosing to compromise my fertility. Which is where the guilt is coming from.
On the other hand, some symptoms I've been experiencing for years and years - pain, gastrointestinal problems - could be eradicated with one surgery. I thought I would have to deal with these things the rest of my life. I never thought I could fix them! That alone would make this whole slew of appointments and testing worth it! And, of course, I will feel much better ttc knowing that my tubes are unkinked and open. Or whatever.
Wes and I were also ordered to change our eating habits. I know we could be healthier. We are soda fanatics and (Wes especially) consume copious amounts of Mountain Dew. So, together, we will embark on the South Beach diet. But first we are busy consuming all the high cal, high fat, high sugar products in our house so we won't be tempted later on.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Friday, May 9, 2008
The Hardest Holiday of the Year
For dozens of women I know "virtually," the hardest holiday of the year is only two days away. This mother's day will be very bittersweet for me, as well. On one hand, I have Dylan to be thankful for. On the other, I would be about 6 months pregnant right now had I not miscarried in February. I would be 9 weeks pregnant had the ectopic been viable. I know those two due dates, September 4th and December 15th, will haunt me until I become (and remain) pregnant again. It's hard to not feel disappointed and saddened as Sunday rolls around. There is a definite part of me that feels cheated when I think back to my pregnancy with Dylan. I was in complete denial during that pregnancy. I was barely 22, working two jobs, and so unprepared for motherhood. I should have made more of a point to revel in that pregnancy - to enjoy it rather than constantly looking forward to my due date. I should have appreciated it. I was so excited this time around because I really wanted to be pregnant - I wanted the experience and enjoyment that I took for granted last time. Now the idea of enjoying pregnancy seems incredibly foreign. Oh, I'm sure that if Wes and I become pregnant again I will come to a point, probably in the second trimester, where I can feel enjoyment and excitement rather than fear. That just seems ages and ages away right now.
Thoughts of my egg donations have given me so much strength and comfort over the past week. I just sent out mother's day cards to the recipients with whom I have regular contact. For one of them, this will be her first mother's day. That idea brings a smile and a feeling of warm inside. It's amazing to me that their successes make me feel so good, so positive in light of my recent experiences. I wouldn't have expected that. I would have thought that I might feel sadness or pain - like I still do when I run into a pregnant woman at work or in the store. But there is not an ounce of pain or longing when I think about my recipients. Just comfort and satisfaction. Maybe it's because they worked so hard to have their children. Maybe it's because I look back on those cycles as successes, whereas my own losses feel like failures. Maybe it's because I have a better idea now of how they must have felt, and it gives me peace to know I was able to help alleviate those feelings for another woman. It's strange, because when I see baby photos belonging to friends or co-workers, I still feel sadness, especially if the baby is very young. However, looking at pictures of my recipients' children or hearing progress updates strengthens me. It makes me feel like I did something worthwhile - like I made the right choice 2 years ago.
I do believe I was lead to donate my eggs so that I could have some peace right now with my struggles. Because of my involvement with third party reproduction, it has never crossed my mind for one second that Wes and I won't have a child eventually. I haven't lost hope or despaired for even a moment. I have seen others face far greater obstacles than I and still succeed. So on Sunday I'll be thinking of my egg recipients. I'll be thanking them from the bottom of my heart for choosing me to participate in something indescribably special. And for giving me the strength and hope I so needed over the past few months.
Thoughts of my egg donations have given me so much strength and comfort over the past week. I just sent out mother's day cards to the recipients with whom I have regular contact. For one of them, this will be her first mother's day. That idea brings a smile and a feeling of warm inside. It's amazing to me that their successes make me feel so good, so positive in light of my recent experiences. I wouldn't have expected that. I would have thought that I might feel sadness or pain - like I still do when I run into a pregnant woman at work or in the store. But there is not an ounce of pain or longing when I think about my recipients. Just comfort and satisfaction. Maybe it's because they worked so hard to have their children. Maybe it's because I look back on those cycles as successes, whereas my own losses feel like failures. Maybe it's because I have a better idea now of how they must have felt, and it gives me peace to know I was able to help alleviate those feelings for another woman. It's strange, because when I see baby photos belonging to friends or co-workers, I still feel sadness, especially if the baby is very young. However, looking at pictures of my recipients' children or hearing progress updates strengthens me. It makes me feel like I did something worthwhile - like I made the right choice 2 years ago.
I do believe I was lead to donate my eggs so that I could have some peace right now with my struggles. Because of my involvement with third party reproduction, it has never crossed my mind for one second that Wes and I won't have a child eventually. I haven't lost hope or despaired for even a moment. I have seen others face far greater obstacles than I and still succeed. So on Sunday I'll be thinking of my egg recipients. I'll be thanking them from the bottom of my heart for choosing me to participate in something indescribably special. And for giving me the strength and hope I so needed over the past few months.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Back to the Drawing Board
Ok, so I'm finally feeling up to writing again- I needed some time to process everything.
The ultrasound I had on Monday, April 14th showed nothing in my uterus. However, my betas continued to double, so we continued to hope. We scheduled another ultrasound for Monday, the 21st. However, that Saturday I woke up bleeding bright red blood. I went to the ER for a second ultrasound and, sure enough, the embryo was in my tube. I was given a shot of methotrexate and sent home. Fortunately, the methotrexate worked and no further treatment was needed. However, now we are back to square one again.
It's strange - this loss doesn't hurt nearly as much as the first one. Either I'm a bit numb, or I just didn't get too attached to this pregnancy. I certainly don't look at getting pregnant like I once did now. It doesn't seem fun to me anymore. And honestly, I'm too exhausted physically and emotionally to think about trying again right away. I know that there is no relation between the m/c and the ectopic - that it was just a fluke. However, my body is still reeling from the hormones and other changes. My emotions are raw from this roller coaster. We need to wait at least three months after taking the methotrexate to try again, and I'm definitely ok with that. We also have an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist the end of this month. Most likely, the doctor will tell us that we were just unlucky and we should just try again naturally, after we heal. That's what I'm hoping to hear, anyway. However, I'm also prepared for the idea that the ectopic might warrant some further testing to be sure that tube is ok. That would be ok, too - I'm petrified of another ectopic now. I probably won't post too much more between now and the doctor's appointment. Like I said, I need some time to get myself together. But I'll definitely keep this blog updated, especially once we start trying again. For myself, more than any other reason. Putting everything into words somehow makes it easier to deal with.
The ultrasound I had on Monday, April 14th showed nothing in my uterus. However, my betas continued to double, so we continued to hope. We scheduled another ultrasound for Monday, the 21st. However, that Saturday I woke up bleeding bright red blood. I went to the ER for a second ultrasound and, sure enough, the embryo was in my tube. I was given a shot of methotrexate and sent home. Fortunately, the methotrexate worked and no further treatment was needed. However, now we are back to square one again.
It's strange - this loss doesn't hurt nearly as much as the first one. Either I'm a bit numb, or I just didn't get too attached to this pregnancy. I certainly don't look at getting pregnant like I once did now. It doesn't seem fun to me anymore. And honestly, I'm too exhausted physically and emotionally to think about trying again right away. I know that there is no relation between the m/c and the ectopic - that it was just a fluke. However, my body is still reeling from the hormones and other changes. My emotions are raw from this roller coaster. We need to wait at least three months after taking the methotrexate to try again, and I'm definitely ok with that. We also have an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist the end of this month. Most likely, the doctor will tell us that we were just unlucky and we should just try again naturally, after we heal. That's what I'm hoping to hear, anyway. However, I'm also prepared for the idea that the ectopic might warrant some further testing to be sure that tube is ok. That would be ok, too - I'm petrified of another ectopic now. I probably won't post too much more between now and the doctor's appointment. Like I said, I need some time to get myself together. But I'll definitely keep this blog updated, especially once we start trying again. For myself, more than any other reason. Putting everything into words somehow makes it easier to deal with.
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