The Hardest Holiday of the Year

For dozens of women I know "virtually," the hardest holiday of the year is only two days away. This mother's day will be very bittersweet for me, as well. On one hand, I have Dylan to be thankful for. On the other, I would be about 6 months pregnant right now had I not miscarried in February. I would be 9 weeks pregnant had the ectopic been viable. I know those two due dates, September 4th and December 15th, will haunt me until I become (and remain) pregnant again. It's hard to not feel disappointed and saddened as Sunday rolls around. There is a definite part of me that feels cheated when I think back to my pregnancy with Dylan. I was in complete denial during that pregnancy. I was barely 22, working two jobs, and so unprepared for motherhood. I should have made more of a point to revel in that pregnancy - to enjoy it rather than constantly looking forward to my due date. I should have appreciated it. I was so excited this time around because I really wanted to be pregnant - I wanted the experience and enjoyment that I took for granted last time. Now the idea of enjoying pregnancy seems incredibly foreign. Oh, I'm sure that if Wes and I become pregnant again I will come to a point, probably in the second trimester, where I can feel enjoyment and excitement rather than fear. That just seems ages and ages away right now.

Thoughts of my egg donations have given me so much strength and comfort over the past week. I just sent out mother's day cards to the recipients with whom I have regular contact. For one of them, this will be her first mother's day. That idea brings a smile and a feeling of warm inside. It's amazing to me that their successes make me feel so good, so positive in light of my recent experiences. I wouldn't have expected that. I would have thought that I might feel sadness or pain - like I still do when I run into a pregnant woman at work or in the store. But there is not an ounce of pain or longing when I think about my recipients. Just comfort and satisfaction. Maybe it's because they worked so hard to have their children. Maybe it's because I look back on those cycles as successes, whereas my own losses feel like failures. Maybe it's because I have a better idea now of how they must have felt, and it gives me peace to know I was able to help alleviate those feelings for another woman. It's strange, because when I see baby photos belonging to friends or co-workers, I still feel sadness, especially if the baby is very young. However, looking at pictures of my recipients' children or hearing progress updates strengthens me. It makes me feel like I did something worthwhile - like I made the right choice 2 years ago.

I do believe I was lead to donate my eggs so that I could have some peace right now with my struggles. Because of my involvement with third party reproduction, it has never crossed my mind for one second that Wes and I won't have a child eventually. I haven't lost hope or despaired for even a moment. I have seen others face far greater obstacles than I and still succeed. So on Sunday I'll be thinking of my egg recipients. I'll be thanking them from the bottom of my heart for choosing me to participate in something indescribably special. And for giving me the strength and hope I so needed over the past few months.