Consideration and reconsideration

Last week I told Wes I wanted to cancel all our appointments with the RE. I had this overwhelming feeling of suffocation - I was stressed about having to take off work two times between days 5 and 10 of my cycle (with little, if any, ability to preplan) and overwhelmed by the amount of lab and office visits I need to coordinate. Not to mention more than a little put off by the actual procedures themselves.... It just seems like so much work to do when we are able to get pregnant so easily. I know- I know the reasoning behind all this testing. It's not getting pregnant that's the problem - it's staying pregnant. And if we get pregnant again without doing this work up, I'll be petrified the whole time and absolutely guilt laden if something goes wrong. Which is likely to happen, according to the RE. It all just seems so.... invasive. I know it's my mind set. All the appointments, testings, and procedures with egg donation weren't nearly this intimidating. But I wanted to donate, I choose to donate, and I knew about the medical aspect ahead of time. I didn't choose this. I feel like I'm being forced into this testing, whereas the egg donations were not coerced in anyway. Even worse, I feel like it is my body that is doing the forcing. I know that the loses could be a fluke, or that it could be something wrong with Wes. But I can't shake the feeling that this is my fault.

Anyway, after a heart to heart with Wes, I agreed that this is something I do need to do. Not only for our chances ttc, but for my peace of mind while pregnant. So my first ultrasound appointment is scheduled for 6/18. As soon as I can get my insurance issues worked out (a whole other post there - let me tell you) I'll go in for the blood work. And I will most likely have the hystero and hsg done the last week in June. At least I'll be getting most of it over all in one month.

So - the Diet. It's officially become the Diet. As in "that's not on the Diet" or "What should we do tonight on the Diet." I can't say that we've been keeping to the Diet as well as we should have (read - horrible, horrible cheating weekend) but we have made some positive changes. We've been paying attention to what we eat. Even if that means paying attention as we eat all the wrong things. We've also changed out shopping habits and, during the week, we've been sticking more or less to the South Beach meal plan. I think it will be easier to keep to the Diet when Dylan comes home this weekend. We've been having a bit of a second honeymoon while he's up in Maine and going out to eat ALOT. And of course, 99.9999% of restaurant food is not on the Diet.

So next week will be a big week. Not only will we be getting my little pumpkin back again, but we'll be starting the first of a loooooong series of testing to find out what the heck is up with my reproductive system. Here goes nothing.