February 9, 2008

I woke up that morning feeling that something was wrong. The day before, I had started spotting a bit. Nothing I was really worried about - I knew that it was not unusual to spot a bit during pregnancy. Even so, I called my doctor and was told not to worry. However, the next day, Saturday, the spotting was still there. And it was not getting any better. Today I was 11 weeks pregnant, but I didn't feel pregnant. I didn't feel much of anything. And I couldn't ignore the unease I had about the spotting. Finally, I called the doctor on call and he told me to come into the ER for a quick ultrasound. As uneasy as I was, I still expected to see the baby's heart beat. I thought that maybe there was a slight complication, but certainly it would be something that could be fixed. I never imagined that the pregnancy would be over. I could see the fetus clearly on the ultrasound. It was very small and very still. The doctor told me to check in downstairs, that he wanted the tech to do another ultrasound. He also told me not to be hopeful - things didn't look good. It still didn't hit me. I still hoped. At the second ultrasound, the tech showed me how the baby measured 8 weeks - not 11. There was no heartbeat, no movement. My baby had died three weeks ago and I never realized. THEN it hit me. The doctor talked to me about my options - letting the pregnancy pass naturally, D&C, taking a medication that would cause the loss to begin. My husband and I decided on the D&C. I didn't want to go through the physical loss, especially considering a D&C is usually needed anyway to clear out remaining tissue.

The doctor spoke about scheduling it in the next few days, but I begged him to do it immediately. I couldn't stand one more moment being "pregnant" and not pregnant. I knew I wouldn't sleep until I had the D&C, especially after seeing that small, still shape on monitor. Fortunately, they were able to do the procedure that night. I was lucky in that there was little pain and little bleeding after the procedure. Really, it was mostly my heart that bled. I spent the next few weeks, months asking why this happened, what I did to cause it. Of course, I know that there was probably nothing that I did to cause it. But still, it's hard not to feel responsible. I felt so betrayed by my body - how could I have lost this pregnancy and not known anything was wrong for three weeks?!? Was my body really that disconnected to the little life that was growing inside? I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust my body again. Even now, months later, I still have fear and trepidation. I refuse to really consider myself pregnant yet, and every little twitch or pain scares me.

My innocence is gone.